Ok, now that I have your attention I’d like to chat about one of the scariest things out there. I mean, this is downright terrifying. Are you ready?
I want to talk about…. your sex life!
Hands up if you have an awesome great sex life! Now, hands up if you’re getting all your desires met and there is nothing you can’t ask for in the bedroom!
Typically right now hands start to go down…. and why is that?
Let’s try and answer that question.
Tapestries of Desire
What is the first step to having your desires met? Knowing what they are. It may seem obvious, but you are unlikely to get a need met if you don’t know what it is. You can feel frustrated, dissatisfied, helpless, trapped or lost, but these emotions are just pointing to your unmet need or needs. But what are these needs? That is the first question.
You are now on a journey that would be impossible to follow with anyone else
At the best time most of us have a hard time deciding what our unmet needs are. But in the bedroom?? Oh dear, oh dear…. on top of trying to decide what turns us on, we now have a bunch of expectations, feelings of guilt and shame, fear and loathing courtesy of our community, society, parents and friends. All of these are wrapped up together in a twisted tapestry we would rather ignore than try to unravel.
Unfortunately, this tapestry is basic to who we are and intrinsic to our ongoing happiness and satisfaction, so….
So what do we do? Should we offload the responsibility onto our partner? I mean, if he loves you he should know what makes you happy, right? Why should you have to know what your needs are? Isn’t one of the reasons for being in a relationship is so you can have someone fulfill your needs without you having to think about it?
Ah, if only….
World’s Greatest Buffet
Imagine the greatest, most delicious buffet you have ever seen. For me, this buffet is the Sunday Brunch at the Wickaninnish Hotel in Tofino, British Columbia. Picture this: Pitchers of freshly-squeezed orange juice, delicious papaya juice and refreshing coconut water next to dark fragrant coffee and exotic teas from India and Ceylon. Stacks of thick waffles and fluffy pancakes, rich melted butter and real maple syrup and whipped cream, fresh strawberries and blueberries and raspberries and blackberries. Free-range eggs scrambled and over easy, omelettes and skillets light as clouds. Ham, bacon and steak….
As you can see, I’m seriously into breakfast.
You can’t eat everything, so you have to choose what you want. Will you go for the coffee, toast with eggs and hash browns? There is comfort in that choice. You know you like eggs and hash, and they probably make them really well. No surprises, just the security and comfort of the familiar.
You grew up eating this breakfast every day, but all of a sudden it is not good enough for you? Do you want something more out of your breakfast? If you stay with your eggs and hash, will you be happy or dissatisfied? If deep-down you wanted something other than eggs and hash, then ordering it because this is what you always done will probably not make you happy. You may find yourself grumbling on the way home, feeling frustrated and upset. Clearly, you won’t be eating there again!
All of these are wrapped up together in a twisted tapestry we would rather ignore than try to unravel.
But… what if you decide to forego the eggs and hash and instead try Guatemalan rice and beans with a mug of spiced Mexican hot coco? Yes, you may hate it, or it may not be exactly what you wanted. Or it may be one of the most delicious things that ever passed your lips. Whether you eat it again or not, the point is you stepped out of your comfort zone and tried something that satisfied your needs.
Sex on the Menu
Now substitute sex for food. Unlike having breakfast which is generally a very personal, solo activity, sex is generally a team sport. You need your partner to be a willing if not enthusiastic participant, but now that you know what you want, how can you present it to him without him freaking out or, even worse, laughing at you?
There is no greater buzz-kill than feeling judged for something as deeply personal as sex. That fear of judgement is what keeps people locked in unhappy relationships, leading lives of quiet desperation, wallowing in unhappiness and frustration. That fear is so great that many prefer to let their relationships falter and die instead of risking exposing themselves to judgement.
How do you combat this fear? One word: Trust.
If you want your partner to feel comfortable sharing their innermost desires with you you need to create a safe, non-judgmental space for the magic to happen. His job is to find out what his needs and desires are, and which ones he would like to share with you. Your job is to reassure him that whatever he shares with you, you will still respect him in the morning.
For example, let’s say he really wants to paint your toe nails a particular shade of red. He may not know why, but the thought of painting your toes that specific colour drives him wild. So one day he works up his courage, picks up this nail polish at London Drugs and tells you his desire.
What is your reaction?
Option 1: You laugh in his face. This is ridiculous right? I mean, a grown man painting his wife’s toe nails? Really? What’s next? Cross-dressing? You can’t wait to tell your friends on Instagram about this!
Option 2: You listen to him carefully, being very careful not to smile, laugh or act in any way judgmental. This is the man you love, and it has taken a lot of courage for him to share his vulnerability with you.
If you choose Option 2 as the best option, then we are in agreement. If you chose Option 1 and betrayed his trust it is very unlikely that he will approach you again, and you may find yourself on the other side of a cold wall down the middle of the bed. I am not saying that you have to let him paint your nails, only that you receive his secret in a spirit of trust and non-judgement. Let him know that whatever he shares with you, you will not hold it against him, and that even if is something you will NEVER do it is still his fantasy and so is worthy of respect.
It is amazing how freedom from fear, guilt and judgement can feel!
How do you create this judgement-free zone? The first step is to embrace the concept of the “mind kink”. Basically, the idea is that we should be free to express our dreams and fantasies within your relationship safe-space. No one should be judged or condemned for their dreams and fantasies, no matter what they are.
How do you combat this fear? One word: Trust.
Now, turning a fantasy into reality is another story and that may require a lot more frank and honest discussion; not every fantasy can be acted out in real life. Sharing your innermost fantasies with each other can be a deeply binding experience, and one that can bring you closer together and enhance your intimacy.
Your Unique Journey
By sharing your innermost desires with each other in an open and accepting way, you are working together to create a unique relationship that exists only between the two of you. You are customizing your life together, bringing to life a union that could never happen with anyone else. Through the open sharing of your wants and needs. you work together to build a relationship that is strong, deep, resilient, unique and above all a lot of fun!
Imagine what type of relationship you could build! Through the creation of an open, judgement-free zone between you, you set the stage for a union unlike any other. No other relationship can be like the one that is presently blooming around you, and the deeper your honesty and trust grow the more firm and solid the bedrock under your feet become. You are now on a journey that would be impossible to follow with anyone else, and the ongoing trust and intimacy ensures that your sex life will never be boring.
But what do you do once you’ve created your no-judgement zone? Join me next week when I’ll share with you a special Intimacy Worksheet to get the juices flowing and take advantage of your newfound freedom!